im about to go to this hallowen party and i have this costume that is completely whoretastic. im super excited about it but then again apprehensive because im gonna be half naked in front of everyone. whatev. haha.

im dating paul now. its super fun. im definately enjoying it. its the first time ive been friends before dating...it makes a huge difference. for sure.

its been a good two weeks.

hooray

You scored as Goth. That's awesome! Go you! </td> Goth 73% Punk 67% Stoner 53% "Ghetto" 53% Hot 53% Prep 47% Jock 40% Emo Kid 40% Geek/Nerd 33% Loner 0% What Highschool Clique Do You Belong To? created with QuizFarm.com

i can't believe it. im goth and i never knew it.

gah damn

this always happens to me.

i have too many fucking choices.

i wish i could just have everything straight in my head but its not lookin like its gonna happen any time soon.

ugh.

i <3 kayla and patrick

works blows

moved into apartment

miss madeline

have too many options



arrrg -- why

so this dude...i'll call him alphabet man...has a creepy crush on me.

hes just...seriously, the only word to describe him is creepy.

and of course charles left me in the room with him alone. he was trying to talk to me about relationship shit while i was fucked up. i just kept repeating the same thing over and over. "...i do not want a relationship. i do not want a relationship..." i hope he got the picture. i doubt he'll stop lingering since we work right next to eachother...like in the same shopping center.

ughhh...


at least my friends get free shit when he comes over.


i guess thats cool.



madeline's leaving in like 15 minutes for maryland.


not a happy thing.

:(

this is super great.

the other night i went to a pirates and prostitutes party. i went with mad, kayla, and patrick. we were meeting up with carlos and patrick. ANYWAY! i had a blast. downed like 5 jello shots like back to back. god fucked up some more at kayla's.

this is so cute. when we all were standing around i looked at patrick and was like "can i kiss you?" he said yea so we just went crazy in front of everyone. funny as hell. needless to say i came back over later...if you get my drift.

i had so much fun. im pretty sad that he had to go back to ut but its whatever. im sure ill keep in touch and if not then i can just say i had a damn good time. haha. its cool. ive been wanting to hook up with him for like er...4 years.


its all ive been thinking about for like the past few days...

which isn't good since im already a perv.

haha, and yea i admit it.

so i may have a sister that i didn't know about. i saw a picture of my dad holding her. she looks like me as a child. it makes me sad.



i hate awkward situations and yet they seem to stay around me at all times. maybe i should just stay home or something...


nah.


i like nights and boys too much do that anyway.

speaking of boys what the hell is going on. guys seem to be probably the most ridiculous creatures right now. one moment your having the best fuck sessions and dirty texts and the next you hear hes recently started dating someone. where was the memo? thats all i have to say about that.


he still owes me for that last sucki sucki.

its worth the wait. haha.


any who -- im basically dissappointed. i have pretty thick skin, so ill be fine.

kinda funny that when you lose a boy you gain one back.


karma is neat.

so i hung out with carlos and patrick tonight. it was so neat. i stumbled upon carlos's profile and befriended him -- he sent me a message with his number and BAM we all hang out.

it was so much like old times. we met at starbucks -- like, the one we all used to go to. carlos, patrick and i used to dominate the forest hill shopping center in like 9th grade. they would push me around in shopping carts and we'd wander through target for hours. it was such a blast.

carlos was actually my first kiss...i told him that tonight. i didn't know that he didn't know. it was cute. he was flattered. i used to have the BIGGEST crush on patrick. seriously, i look back on my school planner from freshman year and it has "i <3 patrick" all over the fucking place. its both ridiculous and super adorable.

i was so happy to see them. i could see myself having a crush on patrick again. he's such a sweet heart... i mean, seriously. he's darlin.

i hope i see them again. brandon's right about this...he says that there are certain people that you know you'll see again. i guess these guys are some of those. i haven't talked to them or seen them in like four years. its super crazy.

it was super cute though. when we were at krystal's, carlos had passed out in the back seat and patrick was like "its so crazy that we haven't hung out in so long. what ever happened to that?" and i was like "uh, i don't know. it just didn't happen." i remember why...i just didn't want to dig up old shit. just isn't worth it. id rather be happy that we all were hangin out.

i missed them.

so today i went to my grandmothers visitation. it was wierd. she looked empty.

i saw my dad there. he never spoke to me. i was right beside him and not a word. fucking ass hole. i still can't believe that he actually went through with filing papers to my mom. i mean, im kinda relieved but it's just really depressing. i mean, where do i go? were gonna sell the house and my mom doesn't have a job...and all i have is this framing job...which pays good...but im trying to make money to be able to move out...not pay for apartment bills and never have anything saved. i feel bad saying that but thats the truth.

my aunt jeannie had a good point. it IS funny that he filed for divorce right before she died. she was saying that he did that so that we wouldn't get anything in the will. if thats the case then thats just sad. if hes that selfish of a person (which i guess he is) then i can only pity that woman that hes been seeing for a good while now. i still can't believe that he wished me happy birthday on the wrong day.


that man pisses me off so much.


mark my words: he is NOT walking me down the aisle when i get married. i am not his to give away. honestly, if i never saw him again it probably wouldn't phase me. hell, he wasn't ever around anyway. not much of a difference.

it was so sweet. madeline came up to the visitation with her mom. they walked up right at the climax of my crying spell. it was sorta funny. i was like "oh hey, *sniff sniff*" i hate talking when im crying. i always sound retarded.


we saw a girl getting her wedding photos taken there. it made me feel like i was in the burmuda triangle or something. like in this building there is so much saddness yet outside its happiness and exciting anticipation. they are both romantic though. shes going to be with that man forever...just as my grandparents in heaven. my mom said this to cheer me up: "rachel, just imagine mamaw and papaw be-bop-ing on the clouds dancing up a storm." they would be doin that. they would always dance together. it was cute.


after that though, mad and i went to midtown and ate...(which took FOREVER) while we were sitting there i was like "hey, i want to get my nose pierced." and mad was like "DO IT!" and i was like "YEA!" so we went down there and they did it.

it was so fucking embarassing. once he got the piercing in he had to clean inside my nose. he stuck this q-tip up there and wiggled it around and pulled out this massive, im telling you ginormous buger. SO EMBARASSING! but it did lighten the mood...which is cool.

im supposed to go up there tomorrow..or today to talk with a guy about designing my tattoo. i hope its gonna work. i don't know if my idea is even tangible...but im going to try anyway.

i have to go to the funeral around like 2... another outburst of tears. i hate crying in front of people. especially people i don't know. its just one of those things i have. i don't know.

my eyes are hurting from looking at this. im gonna stop.

ha.

so my grandmother died today. she was sleeping and had internal bleeding and died from cardiac arrest.



sad.

Guys have been pissing me off lately

like, if anything with a penis says something off hand it wouldn't be much for me to be like fuck you

i think im taking after kayla now. hell, ive been hanging out with her non-stop. we had a slumber party the other night. it was super cheesy but still fun. patrick stayed with us too. we had a dog pile on the futon...i asked patrick if he wanted to spoon but it never happened. kinda retarded i know, but you never know till you ask...haha

but seriously, stress is everywhere. work im about to go stupid crazy on my manager. there have been break-up's and confusing relationship crap with my friends...myself a little bit.

OH! this pisses me off so fucking much.

so i texted my ex trying to get some advice. he sends back with message saying "i'm tired of your shit. leave me the fuck alone." i hadn't talked to him in like a month. pretty weird... but yea, he said some other shit to me so i went nuts on him. i was saying shit like "now i know why lindsay (the girl he cheated on me with) broke up with you. b/c your a fucking ass hole." and "i hope you die alone and heartbroken." and this is the best one "i wouldn't have taken that ugly bitches virginity either -- good choice."

dude, i was in SUCH a bad mood that day/night. i had already gotten shit from this other guy saying all this mean stuff to me. and so once rob said that shit i absolutely snapped. i kinda regret saying half the shit i did, but i mean, what can i do now? "uh...sorry for going crazy..."

um...id rather not seem weak. plus, it doesn't even matter what i say because i know he's just going to turn it around to make me seem like a crazy bitch...which i admit, i have my moments...but who doesn't?

don't lie.

everyone does.

its cool...were human.

i told that new guy pretty much the jist of whats in my head. i think i scared him or something...he never replied so....yea................

i don't know.

im getting top secret information from a very reliable source so i think ill be good.

this isn't going to be easy, but im always up for a challenge.




oh yea, and for anyone who cares...instead of rapping, i think im gonna make some dirty techno. haha, i made the beats and they are kick ass. of course they are. i mean, i made them.

haha, totally kidding. they are probably terrible bc i was pretty fucked up while in the process...but its all good.

i forgot to say this.

i need to sleep.

ive been up since 730am on friday.

how the hell?

i dont even know how this happened.

haha

oops

so i had this party tonight.
i am now 19.
one more year to go till another bday party.


i had a theme where if they don't wear pink then they don't get a drink

NO PINK, NO DRINK

i absolutely loved it. i thought it was so funny how into it they got. it made me smile.
i was tryin to be a hard ass about people's oufits. i'd walk straight up to them and be like where's your pink with a goofy ass grin on my face. haha. yea, i look threatening in my 4in heels and a doo-whop-ped dress with a tiara...but people would actually.
it was really cute because we made cherry jello shots, two buckets of cosmopolitan stuff. just the alcohol itself was like i think...um...i know over $50 and all i got was liter of rum for herron since she gave me the money, a huge bottle of vodka and i got this butterscotch schnaps...as well as beer. Shellye brought over an unfinished bottle of southern comfort as well as a tequila one. i thanked her bc that was super cool of her.

i loved seeing everyone.
thin
i was pretty let down when certain people didn't come. i reminded and reminded, even sent messages asking if they were gona come or not like last night...but a good amount just decided not to come (charles, paul, alex, jeff, ashley, gil). i dont usually see gil so i dont have much room to criticize him or have my feelings hurt too bad. i texted alex and he was sick. Paul never said anything. i reminded Jeff earlier in the day and he said he would be there. i tried to get in touch with charles around 11 but he didnt get outta work supposidley till mid-night. i even sent everyone directions on how to get to herron's house and my phone number if you couldnt show up. its not that hard to let someone know, but whatever.

i'll just put it this way, i didn't look pretty just to look pretty for my birthday. i looked pretty for other reasons too...my own personal reasons.

i totally forgot about this thing...

i guess telling people my personal business isn't on my top 10 things to do everyday.

then again, im doing that now so whatever. haha.

so i stayed up all night last night...like, im still going from waking up yesterday at like 730am. yes -- i am crazy.

actually in this instance i was just really lonely and didn't want to sleep alone...like, literally sleeping.

theres this guy. i dig him a good bit. i was going to invite him over to mad's, but i don't know. i didn't want to seem too eager for his attention. i just got myself out of that cycle of craving attention all the time. i finally have figured out that it's just not realistic for me to have those expectations -- those if he likes me he'll make time. sometimes it's just not in the cards and i'll just have to deal with that. which is fine. i've accepted everything that way because i finally have things that i have to do during the day.

i have a full time job.
i have wonderful friends that deserve my time bc they have givin plenty of time to me.
i'm booked 75% of the time, which is really out of the ordinary for me...but i kinda like it bc i don't get as bored and obnoxious as i used to. i mean...i'll still ask to hang out but i wont throw a hissie fit if it doesn't happen. i'll be like, ok...well, you owe me.

haha.

oh and by the way, rob cheated on me in march and broke up with me.
they started dating two days later.
and get this... she did the same thing to him just recently.

i've forgiven him but all i have to say is karma. thats all.

anyway, back to new dude. like, i don't want anyone for a serious whatever. i couldn't handle it. im just getting comfortable with myself and being completely open about who i am and how i am. i know if i was to jump into something it would crumble. (not enough time, work hours dont work, just have other obligations basically) it would be crazy hectic.

thats what kinda sucks bc i do like him.

great personality.
super funny.
very cute.
haven't been dissapointed yet.

he doesn't want anything.

i don't want anything.

when i say "anything" its doesn't really mean ANYTHING. i'm using it as another word for an exclusive g/f--b/f thing.

not in the market.

i was talkin to mad ab this the other day and i was like "i just want to hang out and know that i like him and that he likes me but not stressing about having to have a DTR talk (defining-the-relationship)"

whatever, i dont know. i just think he's darlin. i should stop before i get ahead of myself and trip on my words.

i have a knack for that.

haha.

whatev.

I GOT A NEW PHONE!


WHOEVERS READING CALL ME SO I CAN USE IT!

i'm totally going to class but i'm not in college!

am i this lonely?

oh, and RIP for my cell phone. it definately died. thats both a good and bad thing. its good because i hated that damn thing but its bad because i don't have a phone now.

oh well.

i had the craziest dream. it involved serpents, old people, babies, jewelry, and of course demonds...not quite sure what all that means but i guess i won't worry too much about it. i hope nothing comes true. well, not nothing...i hope some things come true...just nothing like that. WHATEVER!

on a more realistic note, everyone is coming in town from college for thanksgiving...so next week is going to be SO FUN! i hope so at least. it always is so no worries.

i don't mean to hurt people.

i don't mean to push people away.

i don't mean to ruin lives.

i'm looking out for my happiness and my well being...in whatever form that may be. i'm trying to become complete...in whatever ways possible. i'm looking for people more compatible...though the good times may not be as good.

i actually have been looking at old pictures of Rob and i. it's sad...well in a bittersweet way. i had forgotten all the good times. thank God that i made little video's of him and i hanging out. It doesn't make me cry or anything...it makes me happy. it makes me happy to see that i can always remember those times...no matter how unlikely it is that i will never have those again. i like seeing him smile, because i haven't seen that in so long. when i look at those pictures and watch those video's i feel like he is looking and talking to me...which i guess is kinda depressing...but it's nice to know that i can always have those moments.

i miss him as a friend.

i almost miss him as a boyfriend.

i mostly miss those little moments.

why am i thinking about this?

considering you "won't read this" i am still going to say that i care about you and cherish you as a person...believe it or not...

i also still love you but i know that things probably won't work out...at least not anytime soon...i wouldn't want things to pick back up immediately anyway...

sorry for breaking your heart.

keep in touch...please.