im about to go to this hallowen party and i have this costume that is completely whoretastic. im super excited about it but then again apprehensive because im gonna be half naked in front of everyone. whatev. haha.

im dating paul now. its super fun. im definately enjoying it. its the first time ive been friends before dating...it makes a huge difference. for sure.

its been a good two weeks.

hooray

You scored as Goth. That's awesome! Go you! </td> Goth 73% Punk 67% Stoner 53% "Ghetto" 53% Hot 53% Prep 47% Jock 40% Emo Kid 40% Geek/Nerd 33% Loner 0% What Highschool Clique Do You Belong To? created with QuizFarm.com

i can't believe it. im goth and i never knew it.

gah damn

this always happens to me.

i have too many fucking choices.

i wish i could just have everything straight in my head but its not lookin like its gonna happen any time soon.

ugh.

i <3 kayla and patrick

works blows

moved into apartment

miss madeline

have too many options



arrrg -- why

so this dude...i'll call him alphabet man...has a creepy crush on me.

hes just...seriously, the only word to describe him is creepy.

and of course charles left me in the room with him alone. he was trying to talk to me about relationship shit while i was fucked up. i just kept repeating the same thing over and over. "...i do not want a relationship. i do not want a relationship..." i hope he got the picture. i doubt he'll stop lingering since we work right next to eachother...like in the same shopping center.

ughhh...


at least my friends get free shit when he comes over.


i guess thats cool.



madeline's leaving in like 15 minutes for maryland.


not a happy thing.

:(

so i may have a sister that i didn't know about. i saw a picture of my dad holding her. she looks like me as a child. it makes me sad.



i hate awkward situations and yet they seem to stay around me at all times. maybe i should just stay home or something...


nah.


i like nights and boys too much do that anyway.

speaking of boys what the hell is going on. guys seem to be probably the most ridiculous creatures right now. one moment your having the best fuck sessions and dirty texts and the next you hear hes recently started dating someone. where was the memo? thats all i have to say about that.


he still owes me for that last sucki sucki.

its worth the wait. haha.


any who -- im basically dissappointed. i have pretty thick skin, so ill be fine.

kinda funny that when you lose a boy you gain one back.


karma is neat.

so i hung out with carlos and patrick tonight. it was so neat. i stumbled upon carlos's profile and befriended him -- he sent me a message with his number and BAM we all hang out.

it was so much like old times. we met at starbucks -- like, the one we all used to go to. carlos, patrick and i used to dominate the forest hill shopping center in like 9th grade. they would push me around in shopping carts and we'd wander through target for hours. it was such a blast.

carlos was actually my first kiss...i told him that tonight. i didn't know that he didn't know. it was cute. he was flattered. i used to have the BIGGEST crush on patrick. seriously, i look back on my school planner from freshman year and it has "i <3 patrick" all over the fucking place. its both ridiculous and super adorable.

i was so happy to see them. i could see myself having a crush on patrick again. he's such a sweet heart... i mean, seriously. he's darlin.

i hope i see them again. brandon's right about this...he says that there are certain people that you know you'll see again. i guess these guys are some of those. i haven't talked to them or seen them in like four years. its super crazy.

it was super cute though. when we were at krystal's, carlos had passed out in the back seat and patrick was like "its so crazy that we haven't hung out in so long. what ever happened to that?" and i was like "uh, i don't know. it just didn't happen." i remember why...i just didn't want to dig up old shit. just isn't worth it. id rather be happy that we all were hangin out.

i missed them.

so today i went to my grandmothers visitation. it was wierd. she looked empty.

i saw my dad there. he never spoke to me. i was right beside him and not a word. fucking ass hole. i still can't believe that he actually went through with filing papers to my mom. i mean, im kinda relieved but it's just really depressing. i mean, where do i go? were gonna sell the house and my mom doesn't have a job...and all i have is this framing job...which pays good...but im trying to make money to be able to move out...not pay for apartment bills and never have anything saved. i feel bad saying that but thats the truth.

my aunt jeannie had a good point. it IS funny that he filed for divorce right before she died. she was saying that he did that so that we wouldn't get anything in the will. if thats the case then thats just sad. if hes that selfish of a person (which i guess he is) then i can only pity that woman that hes been seeing for a good while now. i still can't believe that he wished me happy birthday on the wrong day.


that man pisses me off so much.


mark my words: he is NOT walking me down the aisle when i get married. i am not his to give away. honestly, if i never saw him again it probably wouldn't phase me. hell, he wasn't ever around anyway. not much of a difference.

it was so sweet. madeline came up to the visitation with her mom. they walked up right at the climax of my crying spell. it was sorta funny. i was like "oh hey, *sniff sniff*" i hate talking when im crying. i always sound retarded.


we saw a girl getting her wedding photos taken there. it made me feel like i was in the burmuda triangle or something. like in this building there is so much saddness yet outside its happiness and exciting anticipation. they are both romantic though. shes going to be with that man forever...just as my grandparents in heaven. my mom said this to cheer me up: "rachel, just imagine mamaw and papaw be-bop-ing on the clouds dancing up a storm." they would be doin that. they would always dance together. it was cute.


after that though, mad and i went to midtown and ate...(which took FOREVER) while we were sitting there i was like "hey, i want to get my nose pierced." and mad was like "DO IT!" and i was like "YEA!" so we went down there and they did it.

it was so fucking embarassing. once he got the piercing in he had to clean inside my nose. he stuck this q-tip up there and wiggled it around and pulled out this massive, im telling you ginormous buger. SO EMBARASSING! but it did lighten the mood...which is cool.

im supposed to go up there tomorrow..or today to talk with a guy about designing my tattoo. i hope its gonna work. i don't know if my idea is even tangible...but im going to try anyway.

i have to go to the funeral around like 2... another outburst of tears. i hate crying in front of people. especially people i don't know. its just one of those things i have. i don't know.

my eyes are hurting from looking at this. im gonna stop.

ha.

so my grandmother died today. she was sleeping and had internal bleeding and died from cardiac arrest.



sad.